Happy Friday readers. What a week it has been. Earlier on this week, bakery chain (and verified national treasure) Greggs got itself into a spot of bother when it tweeted out a picture of a nativity scene with the part of the sweet, baby Jesus being played by one of its 90p sausage rolls. The non-believers amongst us laughed while the rest got annoyed. So, Greggs apologised. Only for it to turn out that the whole thing had been a half-baked PR stunt to begin with. Still, that’s just the way that social media marketing rolls these days.
Also, yesterday, David Davis gave a speech in Berlin where he essentially told a bunch of German people that Brexit was all their fault. He warned the EU not to put “politics above prosperity” which, if you think about it, is a statement so laced with hypocrisy as to be farcical. Having intended to beard the lion in its den, it seems the closest Davis got was being called “incompetent” by the parody Twitter account of Number 10’s Larry the Cat.
This week in charity sector satire: A person donated a pair of edible nipple tassels to a Mind charity shop, Guide Dogs reach out for faux-face hair and Moz the Monster faces a possible plagiarism lawsuit.
Fifty shades of strange
In the run up to this year’s #givingtuesday - which is on 28 November this year people, get it in your diaries – the Charities Aid Foundation has conducted a survey of some of the “weirdest and wackiest” charity shop donations received in Britain this year. And, yeah, there’s a few doozies.
Amongst some of the better items donated, which Diary will go into in more detail in the richness and fullness of time, one (or, more accurately two) item(s) stick out from the list of findings. A branch of mental health charity Mind reportedly received donation of the entire “Fifty Shades of Grey” trilogy along with, and this is the best bit, “edible nipple tassels and a whip”.
There’s quite a lot to unpack there, to be honest. Long term readers of this column may well remember, about a year or so ago, a Welsh branch of Oxfam had to essentially beg people to stop donating copies of E.L. James’ S&M-riddled, global super-smutty-smash hit novel, as it had “literally hundreds” of copies in stock.
Well, this latest revelation rather dials this up to 11. Bad enough to have to take stock of all three books in the trilogy – was one book not enough? – what exactly is a charity shop going to do with a pair of edible nipple tassels? Well, obviously, two things spring to mind. Or to Mind.
But it also raises all sorts of questions around health and safety. Were the tassels still in date? What were they made from? What do edible nipple tassels retail for? How long do edible nipple tassels stay fresh? Actually, again, that last question is somewhat loaded.
Alas, the CAF survey doesn’t say what the charity shop in question did with the tassels but this column imagines they went straight in the bin, which was then filled with gasoline and burnt.
A branch of Marie Curie, meanwhile, had a funeral urn donated to it. The survey points out, helpfully, that the urn contained ashes. Diary understands that a competition will be held with the Australians over whether we can keep them.
Meanwhile, one no-doubt very well meaning canine aficionado donated “a Christmas dinner in a jiffy bag” to the Dogs Trust, saying they didn’t want their sponsored dog “missing out” on the festivities. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘a dog’s dinner’.
Also, a Barnardo’s store in an unspecified location received a full-sized “stuffed adult bison”, although depressingly no photographs could be found to verify this information. As one CAF spokesman pointed out to this column “surely if you’re going to take delivery of a full bison, you’d at least get a photograph of it?”
A full list of the items found this year can be seen here.
Archduke Faux-Furdinand
Disclaimer to begin. The above pun has no bearing on the story beyond the faux and fur bits. Anyway, to the good people of Guide Dogs now, and a hair-raising new campaign to get their puppies more used to facial hair.
It’s the Guide Dog face fur appeal and, yes, the charity’s not asking for your money but your fake beards and moustaches.
It seems that Guide Dogs plans to dress up its female volunteers in fake beards. This is not because they need a cunning disguise, as Diary first thought - this column was all ready to send in a French peasant's outfit.
Instead it appears that volunteers are overwhelmingly female, whereas blind people are not. Here's the charity to explain.
“Do you have any unwanted fake beards or moustaches hiding in your fancy dress box? Guide Dogs needs your help.
“We’re appealing for public support after our latest research reveals guide dog puppies could benefit from early exposure to facial hair.
“Whilst Guide Dogs is on a drive to recruit more male volunteers both in dog-focused roles and more generally, in the meantime we’re asking for your leftover Santa beards and Mario moustaches to help our pups continue to grow into confident, well-socialised guide dogs.”
Bold plan, Guide Dogs, calling for people to give up their “leftover Santa beards” a month before Christmas starts. Still there are adorable Labrador puppies to think of here.
Moz money, Moz problems
This column has already touched on John Lewis’ 2017 Christmas ad already and, frankly, hoped never need write anything about it ever again. Yet, damn it all, events have conspired once more against your intrepid diarist in the form of the ugly, giant, snoring, purple-furred head of the law.
To be fair, we've had to crowbar this piece into our charity column. But Barnardo's is a charity, and it's getting the cash from some Moz-themed stuff, so there we go, all is good.
The Guardian reports today that Chris Riddell, renowned author, illustrator and children’s laureate, has tweeted @ the folks over at John Lewis to draw the striking similarities between Moz and his own, albeit somewhat more sinisterly named monster, Mr Underbed.
Riddell’s tweet says simply: “John Lewis helps themselves to my picture book” with a small video of his 1986 book which is about a large, blue monster who sleeps under the bed of a small boy and then befriends him in the wee hours.
John Lewis helps themselves to my picture book. https://t.co/mrVHmalTwh
— chris riddell (@chrisriddell50) November 16, 2017
John Lewis reportedly spent as much as £7m on the campaign, which was ostensibly created by its long-term creative agency Adam&Eve – itself presumably borrowed from the existing literary concept of well-known Biblical power couple and apple-enthusiasts Adam and Eve.
Riddell said he was “struck by the similarity of the concept when I watched the ad, and subsequently a number of people have tweeted and emailed me pointing this out. So I decided to do a Facebook post, tongue in cheek, about John Lewis promoting Mr Underbed.”
A spokeswoman for John Lewis sounded less amused at the tongue in cheek accusation of plagiarism, saying: “The story of a big hairy monster under the bed which keeps a child from sleeping is a universal tale which has been told many times over many years.
“Ours is a Christmas story of friendship and fun between Joe and Moz The Monster, in which Joe receives a night light which helps him get a good night’s sleep. The main thrust of our story is utterly different to Chris Riddell’s.”
Regardless of the outcome of this potential creative commons stoush, Diary can’t help but think the bigger crime here is the fact that the band Elbow were paid to cover a classic Beatles song. Shame on you John Lewis. Shame!
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