Society Diary: We need to talk about millennials

12 Oct 2018 Voices

Happy Friday once again dear readers. You have come to the right place as this week Society Diary has an important public service announcement to make about the latest scourge to infect our society.

The menace to which Diary is referring of course is millennials. Just when you thought it was safe to leave the house, this generation of perverted reprobates turns up threatening to put society on its head.

You will have undoubtedly caught a glimpse of the newspaper headlines of the past few years about this terror, but for those of you who are unaware of what a millennial is, let Diary explain. “millennials” are like regular humans, but they were born between the early 1980s and the early 2000s, so that’s 16 to 36 year olds.

The main thing you need to know about these creeps is they’re all the bleeding same and they are slowly destroying all that you hold dear. A bit like the EU, feminazis or your once-great football club’s new chairman.

One problem with millennials, like Kim-Jong Un, Malala Yousafzai and the Chicken Connoisseur, is how entitled they are. They keep banging on about how they can’t afford a house while wasting all their disposable income on lavish avocado-based brunches. They should save their money for a house instead!

At the same time, they are refusing to spend money, like our generation did, on booze. Research published this week showed that one in three of these clowns doesn’t drink any alcohol. So the next time you waddle out of the curry house on a Friday night to find your favourite post-Madras boozer has shut its doors, you know who to blame (millennials)! They should stop being frugal a get a round in.

Other things millennials are killing off include napkins, bar soap, golf, mayonnaise, traditional weddings, fabric softener, and TGI Fridays (not to mention all the newspapers that rightly remind us how terrifying they are).

The end of days

Anyway, this week millennials’ favourite charities were revealed. And, to Diary’s initial approval, the National Trust came out on top. But after mulling it over, Diary realised this is typical millennial behaviour. They are now coming for our sites of historic significance and ruining them by taking “selfies” all over the place so they can “Snapchat” them to their “BFF” with the caption “OMG I’m literally in a castle right now #livingmybestlife”. Why do they always look so surprised in selfies? Do they not realise it is them taking the photo? Simpletons. They are probably also part of the reason why Diary can’t go fox hunting on these beautiful British landscapes anymore with all their “animal rights”.

If that wasn’t enough to set you off, wait til you hear this. Millennials’ third, fourth and fifth favourite charities are all dog-related (The Dogs Trust, Battersea and Guide Dogs). While these might all seem like worthy causes, it just goes to show, they would prioritise benefitting a dog over another human being. Where will these nutcases’ love of dogs end? Will dogs be able to vote by the time millennials are running the country? We can’t sit back and let it happen.

Hopefully, generation Z will prove to have more sense than the millennials, and they will take back control of our proud nation. They are of course our last hope, as there can be no future generations unless we create more letters.

Ass banning

In other news in these straitened times, it’s always nice to hear of a heavyweight win for the charity sector.

And that’s exactly what we’ve had in Greece, where charity has won a solid victory, and banned Donald Trump, among others, from riding donkeys.

On the island of Santorini, it’s a popular pastime to take a donkey ride up the island’s hills.

But now, in response to lobbying from the Donkey Sanctuary, among others, a Greek government minister has stepped in, and, quite reasonably, banned holidaymakers weighing over 100 kg, or 219 lbs, from taking a donkey ride.

Technically, this does exclude those who are not overweight, as well. A perfectly healthy man who is more than 6’7” is also likely to weigh more than 100 kg, so that could be an issue.

Among those banned from donkey riding is Donald Trump, president of the US, who – even in the unlikely event he is telling the truth and is really 6’3” and 239 lbs – is well over the maximum weight.


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