Our weekly round-up of interesting and outlandish information, collected from the corners of the charity sector.

Going, going, gone

‘Boris Johnson humiliated after NOBODY bids on breakfast with him at charity auction’.

Revel in that headline from the Daily Mirror. Swirl it around your mind’s metaphorical pallet like fine, cask-aged, Islay whiskey.

Ok, ok, before this column gets carried away, let’s resort to the facts. Facts are good, they tether one to the realities of the situation. They keep Diary from flitting away on a complete flight of fancy. According to the Daily Mirror, “Boris Johnson was left humiliated when celebrities and socialites at a charity auction refused to bid on a breakfast with him”.

The ‘Breakfast with Boris’ was being offered as part of the Dream Ball charity auction held in London over the weekend just past. Nobody wanted it. Nobody.

To put that in perspective: a ‘meeting’ with This Morning hosts Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield was auctioned off for £6,000, while an unnamed painting by an unnamed artist fetched over £14,000.

Big money there, for little gain. Yet, not a single soul was keen on breaking their fast with big Boris. Not even Oliver Letwin, the former cabinet minister and fellow Tory, who was in attendance on the night. Which, if one thinks about it, is probably fair enough.

How many times has Oliver Letwin had to hurriedly eat a poached egg in the Parliament kitchens, one eye on his watch and the other on his personal effects while Boris sits opposite him, blustering on about Brussels, faceless bureaucrats and his latest book? At least in that scenario Letwin was being remunerated for his suffering.

In the end, James Innes the event organiser and Dream Ball committee member was “forced to cough up £5,000 for the lot to spare the former London Mayor’s blushes”.

The Mirror also said that before one bidder “retracted an accidental bid”, a guest heckled “can I pay in Euros?” Très amusant!

Boris’ week did get somewhat better however, after he was appointed foreign secretary by our new Prime Minister Theresa May. Good for Boris, bad for the rest of the world.

"He came in like a wrecking ball..."

A quality yarn

A woman in Scotland has been told by a court that she won’t go to prison for a distinctly unpleasant road-rage incident if she proves that she can knit.

No, this isn’t some sort of medieval trial by ordeal – it’s just Scotland.

Amanda McCabe allegedly followed another woman – Claire Smith – through the centre of Dundee in her car, before “boxing her in and then punching her in the face” after an earlier road rage incident. McCabe said that she didn’t follow Smith but instead had exited her vehicle to visit The Knitting Needle because she’s “a keen knitter”.

The judge has said that McCabe will avoid serving time in jail, so long as she returns to court on 14 December with “multiple knitted items” that could be sold in a charity shop. This was after McCabe claimed she could knit a jumper in two days for less than a tenner.

“If you are a skilled knitter then I am sure that you could produce some goods for charity.

“You will bring to court several items that you have knitted that you are prepared to donate to a charity shop.

“It will not be a meagre amount. You have committed a serious offence.”

Those are direct quotes, Diary knits you not!

Farewell to the fallen

In the highly publicised ‘cabinet kerfuffle’ that we’ve all just borne witness too, the charitable sector has lost some of its… well, not particularly ‘loved’ overseers but… anyway. Some vaguely important ministerial faces have gone.

No word yet as to what will happen to Rob Wilson. Theresa May is off to Scotland to try and preserve the Union today so, for the moment anyway, it seems that he’s safe. Diary will always love you though, Rob…

The aforementioned Oliver Letwin – former chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster – has definitely departed though. He’s been fired. Whether or not he’ll be missed by the sector isn’t really for Diary to say. That time he gave answers to PACAC regarding Kids Company was amusing though, if nothing else.

One of the great tragedies to come out of all of this is the demise of former minister for the cabinet office and stretched calf-skin enthusiast Matt Hancock. As the seconds turned to minutes turned to hours yesterday and still no word on his fate, Diary admits that it feared the worst. And, lo, so was it to come.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, lads.