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Society Diary: Rhino sex, high-altitude pizzas and a lion's birthday

16 Aug 2019 Voices

This crash of rhinos means business.

Happy Friday, dear readers. This week, it was revealed that Society Diary’s favourite pop superstar Ed Sheeran had donated over 300 items of clothing to his local St Elizabeth Hospice charity shop in Sussex. He also recently gave his local school 1,100 free tickets to his upcoming tour.

What a nice young man, Diary hears you say. Well don’t be fooled, because apparently the Game of Thrones star is cynically trying to curry favour with his local community so they will give him planning permission to build a pond in his “Sheeranville” mini-village. You see, behind that innocent ginger smile lies pure evil.

For more upbeat yet hard-hitting charity satire, read on.

Not horny enough?

This week, a prime slab of Diary content was delivered by Save the Rhino International (SRI). The horned animal conservation charity is celebrating its 25th birthday by launching a public awareness campaign called “Save the F***ing Rhino”. The charity’s self-described “bold and risqué campaign” aims to spark a global conversation about rhino sex, which would be a nice change from the national B***** conversation we’ve been locked in for more than three years.

So let’s about talk rhino sex, baby. According to the charity, three of the five species of rhino are critically endangered, despite being “randy creatures who don’t shy away from sex”. So what’s the problem, Diary hears you ask? Poaching, of course. Somewhat ironically, rhinos are being illegally poached to sell their horns as an aphrodisiac (a reputation based on a Western urban myth).

The charity’s press release offers a number of facts about rhino mating. Some of them are surprisingly similar to humans.

For example, Rhino sex can last between 15 and 60 minutes, presumably depending on whether they have work in the morning. Also, female rhinos make a “shrill whistling noise” when they are in oestrus and the male responds with a deep sigh.

But there are some ways in which rhinos’ mating practices differ, for example:

  • Females reach sexual maturity at 4-5 years old, but tend to mate around 6-7 years. Males tend to mate on reaching around 10-12 years.
  • Gestation period: 15-16 months.
  • Weight at birth: 40 – 64 kg.
  • Rhinos only have one calf at a time; there are no reports of twins or triplets.
  • Females reproduce every 3-5 years, though inter-calving intervals of as short as 2 years 4 months have been reported.
  • Male ejaculation volume is approximately 80ml (about two generous shot measures of Tequila Rose).

The costumes that poor SRI volunteers are wearing are extraordinary, too, although they do remind Diary of when Ross from Friends dressed up as the Holiday Armadillo because the store had run out of Santa costumes.

But fair play to SRI. A humorous and rude campaign that helps to highlight a serious issue is right up Diary’s street.

Diary’s off to start a rhino sex conversation this very weekend. It’s always good to have some chat ready for when the in-laws visit.

What a pair of tossers

This week Diary discovered an excellent fundraising effort from two PizzaExpress chefs who remained resolutely on-brand while raising money for a good cause.

Darren Gray and John Henderson-Smith walked all the way to the top of Snowdon, the highest mountain in Wales, and then “flared dough” - that’s the fancy tossing about of the pizza base that experts do. In doing so they helped to raise £2m for Macmillan Cancer Support (and got their mugs in the papers).

Now Diary may not look like the outdoorsy type, but a while ago it did in fact trek all the way to the top of Snowdon. This was very much on the promise of a cafe at the top and excellent views. 

Well reader the cafe was closed and it was so foggy that you could barely see to the end of your arm (which was good really as Diary’s walking companion waited until reaching the summit before remembering that they are scared of heights).

Having exhausted the supply of TicTacs and Capri Sun cartons, it was a very long and hungry walk back to the base.

Pizza at the summit would have been most welcome so it’s a shame for everyone involved that they didn’t go one step further and make some. Diary’s sure the other mountain climbers would have appreciated it.

Charity boss eats humble cake

Earlier this summer, a wildlife charity boss was called out for slamming a cake into his pet lion’s face.

Blend Brifkani runs aid charity the Kurdish American Cooperation Organisation and posted a video that went viral.

Trying to prove he’s no scaredy-cat, Blend Brifkani can be seen grinning as he takes a cake to Leo the lion’s face. In the video Leo appears relaxed amongst a group of people, before he finds himself smattered in cakey residue.

The man’s hypocrisy was noticed by herds of people on social media, forcing him to swallow his pride and apologise.

Brifkani said: “It has been a few days since the video of Leo’s birthday and me throwing the cake in his face went viral. I want to apologise to Leo and those who were offended by this action. For me this was an innocent act of love but I now realise that it was wrong.”

So let us remember some wisdom from the Lion King’s Mufasa: “Being brave doesn't mean you go looking for trouble.”

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