Friday greetings, dear readers. As the country's politicians return from summer recess to reassure us once again that an increasingly likely No Deal will not be “the end of the world”, and while Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un’s bromance reaches Bill and Ted proportions, let us take solace in the one thing that will always be there to lift our spirits in times of despair: Jeff Goldblum.
This week, the man of a thousand slightly smug facial expressions had his full range on display in a suspiciously unlocated charity shop which had put a photo of Goldblum in every one of its picture frames. The evidence was posted by a Twitter user based in Cardiff this week, which went viral, but was later claimed by Australian charity chain Salvos to be at one of its stores in Victoria.
Whether the shop is in the UK or not, the Spice Daddy has been gracing the country with his presence this week to accept GQ magazine’s Haig Club Icon award (Nope, Diary neither) and promote his new jazz album. He announced the record by casually playing an “impromptu” set on that piano near the Eurostar departure lounge at St Pancras station. His record label kindly recorded a clip of the man charming the pants off passing commuters. It is a sensational watch as Goldblum appears to, as usual, be going through an intensely rapid change of emotions while wearing an excessive number of rings.
Goldbluming marvelous!
— Decca Records (@DeccaRecords) 5 September 2018
Not only did Jeff Goldblum announce his new album today, he also stopped by at London's St Pancras station to give a surprise performance!
Limited amount of Signed CD albums available here! ➡️ https://t.co/LFnvr0FcvO pic.twitter.com/c6iBR46fzq
Diary gets the impression the audience was expecting Goldblum to start singing at some point as they nervously started a chorus of the national anthem at the end. This is exactly what Brexit day in March next year is going to look like, but with Jacob Rees-Mogg playing cor anglais.
Special delivery
A charity shop in Florida received a very generous donation this week in the form of a 2kg bag of marijuana.
Pines Thrift Store in Sarasots found £4,200 worth of houdini wrapped in a brown paper bag while sorting through clothing donations.
An employee of the store noticed the bag last week but only called the police days later after cutting a small hole in the parcel to see what was inside.
Diary’s mind has been racing about how the package got there. Here are a few options:
- A mid-level drug dealer had 2kg of magic smoke and an old pair of trainers in identical brown paper bags and mistakenly delivered his scuffed Nike Air Maxs to a stash house instead of the product
- The dealer had arranged a pick up at the thrift shop but the pick-up boy misread the memo and spent hours fruitlessly searching through Bines Thrift Store for the jazz cabbage package instead
- Someone just thought a lovely big bag of bhang would be a nice thing to donate to a charity shop.
We may never hear the results of the police investigation but Diary hopes justice is served and the Aunt Mary reaches its intended recipient.
Unwanted assistance
Six people who are not in need of further intoxication are the group of drunk children in Morecambe who refused to be rescued from the sea by RNLI volunteers.
HM Coastguard saw the kids, aged between 11 and 16, swimming near in the sea near a clocktower.
It called the charity’s lifeboat volunteers to assist but by the time they arrived the children had swum back to shore.
HM Coastguard still insisted the RNLI attend to the children who were suffering from the effects of cold.
But a spokesman for the charity said its volunteers were “greeted by abuse and threats of violence from the children, all of whom were clearly heavily intoxicated by alcohol”.
The BBC reported that when volunteers went to their aid, one was told: "Come near me and I'll hit you."
Diary is full of admiration for the volunteers who showed outstanding professionalism by continuing to discharge their duties in the face of unnecessary abuse.
But Diary can’t help feeling a pang of hope in an age of technology that children are still making the effort to go out and experience the real world: the sweet smell of sea air, the comforting roar of the ocean, underage drinking and threatening well-meaning strangers with violence.
Vagina museum
And finally, the Charity Commission has been accused of dragging its heels by the Vagina Museum, which is the process of trying to register as a Charitable Incorporated Organisation.
Director of the in-development museum Florence Schechter complained to the regulator on Twitter that it had been over 16 weeks since it had applied without no reply. The Commission then invited Schechter to slide into its DMs.
Diary looks forward to welcoming the museum, set to be the first of its kind when it opens, to the charity sector. The organisation already has a better-than-average website and a strong selection of merch.
Part of the inspiration for the vagina museum came when Schechter discovered there already is a penis museum in Reykjavik. In fact, the Icelandic Phallological Museum has been open since 1997, although it only obtained its first human penis in 2011 – one of four promised would-be donors. In an interview with the AFP news agency, curator Sigurdur Hjartarson said the penis’s detachment from the donor's body did not go according to plan and was reduced to a “greyish-brown shrivelled mass that pickled in a jar of formalin”.
The donor was 95-year old “pioneer in Icelandic tourism and famous womaniser” Pall Arason, a friend of Hjartarson. But he said the museum continues to search for "a younger and a bigger and better one." Harsh words from Hjartarson there about his dead mate’s member.
A colleague of Diary’s has actually visited the penis museum, which she said was “bizarre” and mainly full of embalmed whale penises, a photo of which she kindly offered to share. Have a great weekend!
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