Happy Friday dear readers. This column sincerely hopes you enjoyed your Easter long weekend. How was yours spent? This column spent most of it curled up on the sofa, powering through variously oval-shaped, non-denominational, chocolate spheres, all in the vague hope of really riling up yer da and the editor of the Daily Mail. 

This week in charity sector satire: the joint-chair of West Ham United is set to open up his own house to club supporters for a charity day this Sunday – here’s hoping they don’t treat his Surrey mansion like they do the London stadium; a tiny puppy named after everyone’s least favourite Beatle gets rescued by the RSPCA and a Midlands Santa finally gets the chop. 

All that glitters

First up this week, we’re off to East London and to the very doorstep of West ‘Am chairman David Gold. According to a press release on the West Ham United website, Gold and his partner will be “throwing open the gates of their Surrey home” for charity this Sunday. 

Yes, the two will be hosting the latest of their “popular Garden Open Days at their beautiful Victorian home in Caterham” with all proceeds on the door being split between The National Garden Scheme and St Catherine’s Hospice. 

“Visitors to The Chalet in Tupwood Lane, just a few minutes from Junction 6 of the M25, can enjoy stunning views towards the South Downs and spot the myriad of flora and fauna living in and around the 55-acre grounds.

“Entertainment on offer includes birds of prey, vintage cars, the oldest FA Cup trophy and musical and theatrical performances ranging from jazz and classics and big band to barbershop to country and western and songs from stage and screen.”

Wow, what a day that is sure to be. What kind of person doesn’t like an (almost certainly murky and rainy) Sunday spent wandering around the grounds of somebody else’s rambling mansion watching eagles kill mice while listening to the doleful tones of four moustachioed men in candy-striped waistcoats harmonising about ‘Rag-time gals’? 

Now, this column isn’t entirely sure how many of its readers are at once big fans of charity sector satire and football, so it’s going to explain very briefly why this might be something of a bad idea. 

West Ham United, a storied and historic club in the history of English football, are currently mired in a fairly bitter relegation battle at the foot of the Premier League table. Alongside this, the owners of West Ham – presumably in conjunction with the board, of which Gold is co-chair - also recently agreed to move the club from its ancestral home at the Boleyn Ground over to the Olympic Stadium – a move which has not been met with universal acclaim by certain elements of its fan base. 

Indeed, a few weeks ago, a West Ham home game was marred by ugly scenes after a number of rather large, bald men charged onto the field during play. Some scuffled with players, while one chap in particular held aloft what looks like a corner flag. 

 

West Ham pitch invasion: Hammer who stormed pitch reveals motive behind match CHAOS https://t.co/6UGTC4SzZN pic.twitter.com/reGVMEButS

— anglew meth (@anglew_meth) March 13, 2018

 

Diary sincerely hopes that Mr Gold’s lovely charity day doesn’t turn into a modern day re-enactment of the storming of the Bastille. His menagerie of raptors dispersed, the oldest FA Cup trophy nicked, his captive barbershop quartet dragged to the ground somewhere near the penalty spot by a large man in a bomber jacket, big Andy Carroll bought off the (garden) bench only to go off with a crippling injury five minutes into a scone.

The fault in our Starrs

To the Wirral now, and the town of Birkenhead, where the RSPCA were called out this week to free an eight-week old puppy called Ringo Starr who had got his tiny little head trapped in a TV cabinet. 

Yes, according to the BBC, the miniature Yorkshire terrier’s head became stuck overnight and it was only his little yelps that awoke his owner to the problem. The poor little guy no doubt had a lot to Twist and Shout about. Thankfully though, Anthony Joynes from the RSPCA was on hand to HELP! 

Joynes broke out the vegetable oil and a screwdriver and was able to free the little pooch, which is definitely Something. Diary’s sure we can all Come Together and thank Joynes and indeed everyone at the RSPCA for all the good work they do. 

Ah, seems like it was only Yesterday that Diary was writing another glowing report about the RSPCA helping trapped animals. You simply couldn’t make it up, not even if you were a Paperback Writer. Good thing Ringo was a miniature Yorkshire terrier and not a (I Am The) Walrus. 

You can rest easy now, little Ringo, safe in the knowledge that your owner, She Loves You and that the RSPCA are always on hand to help. It’s almost like they work Eight Days A Week.

All for a good Clause

Finally, to the Midlands now, and the news that a hirsute man has had his snowy white beard and hair chopped off for charity. 

Yes, ITV reports that 71-year-old Oldbury man Dave Upson – known to locals as Santa Dave because of his distinctly devoid-of-pigment head and face follicles – has finally hit a barbers to raise money for charity. 

As you can see in the video of Upson going under the shears above, dear reader, Diary’s sure you’ll agree that he does look an awful like Father Christmas. Who knew that when he wasn’t up in the North Pole on present-duty, Santa spent the rest of his time on the outskirts of Birmingham? 

Ho ho ho…w is it April already?