With Christmas fast approaching John Tate unwraps a few nuggets of computer-speak coal that you might find hiding in the IT stocking.
Some readers may not be completely familiar with the language used in IT, which is very different from that we use elsewhere in our working lives. So to help the festivities along my present to you is some extracts from the thesaurus of computer-speak that I have picked up over the years. Kicking off with something most of us have heard:
Supplier support line
Entry: I think I have fixed the problem
Definition: I have not fixed the problem. I have KPI’s to hit to close calls and I will get this problem off my back and someone else can pick up the mess
Computer sales person talking to potential client
Entry: Yes we can get our product to do this
Definition: No we cannot get our product to do this. Our solution never has done this, does not do this and will never do this.
CEO talking to IT manager
Entry: You have my full support for the project
Definition: You do not have my full support for the project. I do not understand IT and it is always far too much hassle. You have my commitment that I will do all I can to avoid having anything to do with this
Technical person talking to a finance director to get budget approved
Entry: To explain it in layman’s terms, the 64-bit architecture will allow the TCPIP protocol to co-exist with the virtualised servers and deliver accelerated Ram throughput to the thin client architecture
Definition: I want to spend some money on some IT toys. I know that you are too embarrassed to admit you don’t have a clue what I am talking about so will approve the money if I make up a whole lot of jargon to ‘explain’ the situation
Finance director talking to CEO
Entry: Don’t worry, we will get the project back on track this time
Definition: Do worry, we will not get the project back on track this time. There are fundamental issues with the work and it will never be completed. However, I am looking for another job and need to buy time until I get a new position
IT user to support person
Entry: I haven’t done anything to my computer but it seems not to be working properly
Definition: I have just loaded a computer game onto my machine and think I have installed a virus
CEO to senior management
Entry: We need to get some consultants in to help with this
Definition: We do not need to get some consultants in to help with this. I have a perfectly capable internal team but need to make a difficult decision. I can avoid this for a while by getting some consultants on board
Finance director to CEO
Entry: We should outsource the IT function
Definition: We should not outsource the IT function. I am making a hash of running IT and although outsourcing will cost more money and deliver a less effective service it might make my headache go away
Finance director to board of trustees
Entry: I am quite confident our IT systems are secure
Definition: I have no idea whether our IT systems are secure. The IT manager has showed me what he calls a ‘firewall’ and the green light is flashing which he tells me means our systems are secure. Also the bleep bleep bleep sound it makes is impressive and gives me confidence we have the latest technology
CEO to senior management
Entry: Good news, we are going to buy Blackberries for all our senior staff as a Christmas present to make their working lives easier
Definition: Bad news, I am about to make your lives hell. I want to be able to get hold of you outside work and send you emails at midnight – when I will expect an immediate response
Father Christmas to his elves
Entry: Let’s make a load of Apple devices and give them to CEOs. This will be good fun
Definition: While this may be good fun for the CEOs it will create havoc for the IT department who will be forced to try and get the Apples working in a Microsoft environment
Hopefully the above explains some of the mysteries of computer language – and will help you enjoy the Christmas break. (Definition – this is a nudge for you to switch off your Blackberry over the holiday!)
